Most people don’t automatically become sages simply by living to a particular age. Many older adults often survive into their eighth and ninth decades plagued by a gradually mounting sense of alienation, loneliness and social uselessness. The reduced capacities that they experience erode their self esteem.
Our culture defines old age as a time of gradually increasing personal diminishment and disengagement from “active participation” in life. Choosing otherwise will sometimes feel like “swimming against a current.” Daily, we will face seemingly undeniable evidence of our physical decline and receive encouragement to “slow down and retire.” The reduced capacities that we experience will, if left unattended, erode our self esteem. Moreover, perhaps more than the earlier seasons of life, the autumn season is a time of loss. The man on his Elder Journey will thus need to understand, endure, process, and move through the many forms of loss that he must deal with at this stage of life. This is also often a time of forgiveness of others and ourselves as we begin to understand that all of life’s experiences have contributed to our growth and wisdom. And, it can be a time of growth. Some say that the opportunities for growth and development at this stage are as great as they are in the first years of life. But with the opportunities often comes struggle, as we face and deal with our shadows.
The foremost shadow for us all has to be death. Since most of us have neither feared nor welcomed death, it is useful simply accepting it as a fact of life. But to Elders, such acceptance is critical. The transition to Elder can’t seriously begin until one begins really to confront and embrace the actuality of his approaching death. It is only when we choose to confront the reality of the approaching end of this life, in a positive, transformative way, and then respond with a declaration of empowered commitment and full participation in the remainder of this life, that one is truly ready to become an “Elder”.
For most of our lives, men behave as if we are immortal and “bullet-proof”. The inevitability of our death simply is not in our consciousness. Hormones definitely play some role in this. The male hormone is about life, not about death. Men are, by nature, adventurous, competitive and ever-willing to confront danger and take significant risks. As we age, those hormone-driven compulsions seem to quiet down some but, for most of us, the attitudes and ways of thinking remain in place, as habits, until we die.
As our bodies begin to change, subtly at first, but then more and more noticeably, we resist. Have you ever looked in the mirror and said, “Who is that person?” At some point, sooner or later, a man finally confronts the truth: he is no longer a young man in the prime of his life; he is getting “old”.
Here, again, however, the idea of “Death” can remain unspoken, not acknowledged, ignored - - that is, in shadow - - for quite some time even after a man sees and accepts that he is getting old. (For me, that shows up in watching my weight and what I eat and in paying more attention to “working out”.) We tend to want to “put it off”.
Elders must do more than merely talk about death and try to remain healthy. Elders must actually confront the fear that “my life as a useful human being is almost over”. Elders must begin to live NOW in the conscious awareness of the ever-present darkness of death. Recognizing that we truly have only limited time left, it is good to embrace life fully and resolve to get the most out of what time we do have. It is only then that life itself will take on a clear and full, beautifully real, and self-evidently meaningful aspect.
There is a beautiful metaphor that I like to use to emphasize this point. The reality of death may be likened to the effect of deep bass sounds in music.
If one turns down the bass control on a sound system amplifier, then the sound you get is very thin and unsatisfying. It is jangled, tinny and shrill; full of superficial hiss and tinkle, and without any depth -- much like our modern lifestyle. When we resist or avoid staying aware of the ever-present deep and dark reality of death, it is as if we have turned down the bass control.
On the other hand, when we keep a conscious awareness of the presence of death, it is like adding a sub-woofer to our sound system, deepening and enhancing the experience of the music of life. The result: -- a deepening and enhancing of the experience of life. That’s what is possible for an Elder!
The next biggest shadow may be around transitioning from the “doing” to the “being” phases of life. We all have the image of the wise old man who just sits and thinks. One of the aspects of wisdom is the ability to “be” with anything that happens and still maintain a serene calmness and presence. Thus, “being” is seen as the quintessential Elder quality.
“Doing” is the phase of an individual’s life where acquisition/planting and bringing to the point of harvest is the needed focus; work, marriage, children, establishing ones place in society, squirreling away nuts for the winter of life...those kind of things... It is, in human terms, the “producing” time of life.
On the other hand, “Being” is where the harvesting of the crop, including the chaff, happens. This is the time when one shifts from producing into consuming and enjoying the harvested fruit for ones self and sharing it with family and the whole world.
Well, what if the circumstances of life dictate that one continue producing? In today’s world there are many over 70 years old who remain very much concerned about making an income. In the professions, academia and government, it appears that some do not even “hit their prime” until well into their 50’s or 60’s. And there are many people in their 60’s, who are not only actively working, but are also raising young children, or at least young adolescents. Finally, there are also many in their 50’s, 60’s, and even 70’s who are actively looking for a date, dating and/or courting – not to mention those who are newlyweds and still in the “honeymoon” phase of their marriage.
Does all this-“doing-ness” suggest that these men are not ready to begin the Elder Journey? Does that mean that they cannot become Elders? I don’t think so.
“Doing” doesn’t necessarily stop when one moves into the Elder Journey. Rather, there is a new emerging phase we are calling “Doing-Being”. If we are going to advance the idea that Elders are a needed and wanted force in this world, in this century, we must absolutely affirm that there is a way to be an Elder and remain active in some “producing” phase of life. Stated simply, it involves being mindful and spiritual, even as we are doing.
This one concept seems to be as difficult to convey to those not on the Elder Journey as it is to explain fire to a fish. It is even very hard to convey to the already-journeying Elder. However, an Elder will eventually get it. It is a central part of the trip.